Dear Sister Hana,

I’ve been wanting serious advice about my son. He is almost 21 years of age. He started working about when he was 16, but he constantly quits jobs and spends months at home. He also dropped out of college in the first year. I don’t mind helping him out from time to time, but he treats me badly. At home, I can’t talk to him without being cursed out. Outside the house, people see him as a shy good boy, but at home his personality changes completely. He also can’t keep friends. He constantly gets close with people then ruins his friendships with them. He also wants me to open a business for him, but I am scared because of his past experiences with giving up on work. Please if there is any advice you could give me I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank You.

Dear Brother,

Thank you so much for your question. The situation that is going with your son is really unfortunate. I hope and pray that Allah will open his and your heart to what is right and what is best for your son. As far as it goes with his communication with you, I personally believe that communication is a two way street. Usually when a child is disrespectful to their parent, the child is also perciving thier parent as either being disrespectful or at least not understanding of what the child is going through. I know that your son is an adult know, I am sure however that this is a pattern of behavior for him and not something that recently started. In order to help your son best, I believe that there are so changes that need to be made in the home. If he is behaving differently with people outside of the home than with you, most likely there is something going on in the home that your son is not happy with. I understand that I cannot speak for him, but from experience and seeing a pattern and silimarities with other families, this could be what is going on. Parents have to try thier best to make thier home a pleasent place for thier children to live in. When our children start looking outside of the home for happiness, then there must be a fundamental miscommunication going on at home. It would be a good idea for you to talk to your son about what is going on with him, why he seems unhappy and why he communicates with you disrecpecfully. Even though you might not find any logical reason as to why he is behaving this way, its a good idea to ask him and I assure you he will have a reason for it. I also ask you to be very nonjudgmental with what he has to tell you and that you will provide him with the security of not getting upset with him when he openly talks to you and shares with you his true emotions and conflicts. If he has a pattern of not making or keeping friends, there is obviously not just a miscommunication issue with his parents but also with others as well. We are not born with an understanding of how to make friends and how to communicate with people. These are skills that we must learn from our parents. It would be a good idea for you to reeducate your son on what is good communication and what is not to help him in the home and outside of the home. You have to try to do this as lovingly as possible. As for the buisness, I understand your frustration and conflict of helping vs not helping him. I think working on your relationship with him first is more of a priority than a business. Therefore, try to improve your relationship with him through healthy and open communication with love and mercy and then work on the business ideas. That way business conflict which are inevidable, will be resloved with respect and understanding. Please dont give up on your child, if you give up on him, then there is no one else to help. Our children need us, we are responsible for them always. I will pray for you. Keeping praying for him yourself and may ALLAH guide him to the right path. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Sister Hana

Dear Hana,

I watched you on whats happening show, very impressed with you. I hope you
can help me with my daughter she’s 20yrs old, since she was at a young age,
had many problems with her, being unruly, and very disrespetable to, both
parents, one of the main issues is she thinks to have men pay attention to
her is to dress and model like porn and put it on face book and other
internet sites, she loves black people. she is shaming the family name with
her porn like pictures all over face book. she lives at home and goes to
school, but she will not listen to anyone friends or relatives to take those
shameful pictures out. please help me in what to do. and how to handle this
situation.

Dear Sister,

Thank you so much for your question. This is a really touchy subject and I hope to help you with my words. As I have been reading your question over and over again, I continue to believe more and more that your daughter has low self esteem, and low self worth. These issues can absolutely be resolved with the appropriate strategies. Currenlty your daughter will not repsond to any comments or suggestions from other people or family members. If her self esteem is that low, making her feel like she is shaming her family will only make her feel worse. Even though you may be thinking tha she deserves to feel this way (bad about her actions) , this is not helpful for her or for you for her future. If you want her to improve her life and stop with these behaviors that are bringing you shame, you have to understand that there is a core issue behind all of these behaviors. If the core issue does not get resolved then the behavior will not change. Her core issue is that she feels the need to be loved and wanted because that need is not being met. Now, its not improtant for us to analyze why she feels this way, it would not be productive to figure that out. Its only helpful for us to now understand that she needs help and needs to feel loved by people around her in a healthy way so that she stops on her own with her negative attention seeking. This might be the hardest part for you as a parent, and I understand that it must be very hard for you, but you have to believe and understand that nothing can be solved with adding more conflict to conflict, things can only be solved with love and understanding. You have nothing to lose to try to approch her in a loving and caring manner. Tell her that she is beautiful and mean it. Dont tell her what not to do, just that she is beautiful and that you love her. GIver her some time and encourage her to love herself and do things that she loves to do, to find a hobby or embrace her talents. When she improves her self love and self esteem on her own, she will automatically on her own stop engaging in these behaviors that you are not happy with. I will pray for you and for her and may ALLAH protect her and help her see the right direction in her life. Thanks so much.

SIncerely,

Sister Hana