Youth

As I have said many times, “Children will become what we want them to be if we are what we want them to be.” Children cannot be expected to practice Islam by sending them to Sunday school if we are not doing that ourselves in our day to day life. If we want them to get up early in the morning to perform the prescribed prayer, we have to do it ourselves and ask them to join us. If we want them to read the Quran, we should read with them and so on.

LOVE

Growing children may not take an order, but will do things out of love and respect for their parents. So love and respect on a mutual basis is our best weapon against all the negative influences on them. Parental love should be unconditional and on biological grounds rather than on their achievements at school or in sports. Love should not be confused with unlimited permissiveness or with closed eyes towards a child’s faults. Criticizing certain faults of the child should not diminish the love by the parents.

INFORMATION

Children are not bom knowing everything right or wrong in social norms. They need clear guidelines about good and bad behavior, Islamic and un-Islamic way of life. The greatest effect is of the parent’s attitude and example rather than the words in a book. If children see their parents not practicing what they themselves are told to practice they become rebellious and non-believers (in the value system). A typical example is of alcoholism in the American scene. Children are told it is bad for you until you are 18, while it is not bad for the parents. Therefore children seeing this as hypocrisy, rebel and get alcohol, not from a liquor store, but from their own home or from a friend at parties. Therefore, parents should set the same standards for themselves as they set for their children, and share with them information of all kinds whether related to the outside world or inside the family. It is not the knowledge which hurts, but the lack of it or misuse of it which causes problems.

DECISIONS

Parents should help children make appropriate decisions and be responsible for their decisions. Younger children can only make decisions about the present (i.e. what clothes to wear that day), but grown-ups can make decisions that may affect their future, under parental guidance (i.e. selection of career, school and hobbies). Children left to grow on their own, will regret a lack of direction they had in their childhood. Children should be taught how to be responsible by being given the chance to share household work, keep their desk and room clean and how to handle their “own” money. Let them spend all their money and suffer from the lack of it. A sense of deprivation once in awhile is good for them as long as the reason for deprivation is explained well.

Problems with parents

If the parents are authoritarian, the child becomes fearful of making mistakes, starts lying for the fear of being punished and feels insecure. Unfortunately, abused children become abusers when they grow up. The parent should remember that the only absolute authority in the house is the Will of God, and everyone has to submit to His Will, in order to expect submission from a younger person.

If the parents are emotionally disturbed and depressed themselves they will not have time for the children, leading them to withdraw, become depressed or develop anti-social activities.

If the parents are perfectionists and expect the child to be perfect all the time, the child will have two options. Either he or she will live up to the expectations, or will develop opposite tendencies, i.e. a teenager keeping his or her room messy to get back at the “ever cleaning” mom. Parents should not make “all” the choices for their children, but help in their individual growth.

The over-protective, anxious parent cannot raise a confident child ready to deal with the real life. This child will feel danger everywhere. While the child has to be supervised, he or she does not need the physical presence of the parent at all time. They should raise a strong child, strong enough to carry on their work if they meet a sudden death themselves.

The parent who cannot say no to a child, spoils him or her by providing him or her with every wish every time. This child will demand whatever he or she wants immediately and put on a manipulative show to get it. One parent complained how their five year old will stop breathing until she got what she wanted. The parents have to learn to control their love and discipline themselves in order to discipline their children The child’s necessary desires should be met according to the means of the family, but a time may come when a firm no should be put into practice.

Parents who take sides in sibling rivalry encourage jealousy and hate. They should not prefer boys over girls or the reverse and fair complexion over dark ones, bright ones over less bright, but try to be fair to all of them and neutral in their fights.

How parents can communicate with their children

Neither party can influence the other unless they communicate. This is a serious problem in American families. One father told me that at best all his teenage daughter would say to him would be “Hi” one or two times a day. This can be substituted by a “peace be upon you,” (as-salam alaykum) in a Muslim family in which parents and teenagers are not getting along well. One should avoid getting into this stage of strained communication.

Find a time and place to talk to your children. Children are sometimes in a “bad mood” upon returning from school, loaded with home work, as are parents in the afternoon with a busy day at work. The best time to have a chat is during breakfast and evening dinner together. Better than this is allotting ten minutes after either the evening or night prescribed prayer or even better, after the dawn prescribed prayer, if time pemits. During this session, the parent can inform the children of all the good things they did that day and ask the children the same and share their problems.

When you do argue, do it patiently, one person speaking at a time. Be specific and separate emotions from facts. Speak in a low voice. Screaming decreases the intake of the message. Finding fault may make you look like a winner, but remember, just as we want God to forget and forgive our faults, we should do the same for others.

Practice active listening to each other’s view, even if you don’t agree. For religious issues consult the Quran or the Traditions together, rather than quoting from your memory.

Refrain from sarcasm, name calling, humiliation, pointing your finger, etc. Read God’s injunction about these again and again in Surah Al-Hujurat (49th Surah).

Encourage each other even in areas of shortcomings, rather than making fun or making a negative remark. If your child brings a B report, then instead of, “I doubt you will ever improve or pass your exam,” say “A ‘B’ is better than a ‘C’, and I am sure you are talented enough to do better. Perhaps I can help you in the areas that you have difficulties at school?”

Between Marriage and Studies

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By Bibi Ayesha Wadvalla

Freelance Journalist

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever follows a route in pursuit of knowledge, Allah will make easy for him a path to Paradise.” (Muslim)

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the remaining half.” (authenticated by Al-Albani)

These two sayings of our beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) are guidelines for a Muslim’s life. We should strive to follow both, completing ourselves holistically. But what happens when marriage and education collide, shattering our carefully planned lives? Which then is preferable — marriage or studies?

Undoubtedly, the importance of marriage in Islam cannot be overemphasized. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Oh youth! Whoever of you can get married should get married for it helps in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity” (Agreed upon).

Marriage is a beautiful institution designed for a man and a woman to fulfill their natural needs for each other and to create a family. It is the basic foundation of all societies. A society without marriage will most certainly be riddled with problems.

Islam encourages us to marry young to prevent us from sinning. However, Islam is for all ages and takes into account the situation of the time. In today’s world, education is empowerment. It gives people confidence to use their intellect and confidence in themselves. We find many young women who are practicing Islam at the university, furthering their education, yet maintaining their modesty. In this way they are preparing themselves to be able to contribute to their society and raise the level of their children and their family. If such a person gets divorced or widowed, she will have something to fall back onto.

Does it have to be a cold, hard choice between marriage and education? Why can’t it be both?

Let us take a glimpse into the lives of four women.

Sameera is 18. She has just completed her high school certificate and wants to study law. However, she has received a good marriage proposal. Upon seeking advice from a sheikh, she was told to abandon her studies and get married. She wants to do what is “Islamically” correct, but she also wants to be happy within.

Raeesa is 28. A medical doctor, she is now specializing to be a cardiologist. A beautiful woman, she has rejected proposal after proposal, intent on her studies. Having a successful career is important to her, and she feels marriage can wait.

Tasneem is 22. She has her bachelor’s in psychology and is now pursuing her master’s. Soon after graduating, she got married. For her, marriage completes her. She has what she’s always strived for — a good education and a good husband.

Amina is 32. She was happily married for ten years, content with her life. Then, suddenly and shockingly, her husband divorced her. She had lived for her husband and children, and now finds herself floating aimlessly. Now she wished she had studied first, as her parents had wanted.

Tasneem’s story is clearly the scenario we all want to enact. She’s satisfied on all levels. Islam is about moderation on all levels. Therefore, we should never choose the extreme option. Why is it that when a young woman talks of wanting to further her studies, some people immediately assume she cares only for her career and will neglect her family? Most young women who have studied will tell you otherwise. They study to satisfy their natural thirst for knowledge.

There are also a large number of women who would rather not work. They will place their families before their careers, and prefer to work only part-time or not at all. There are many who feel that education on all fronts enables them to practice their deen more strongly. It enables them to help others on many levels. For example, a psychologist will deal with a patient’s problems in an Islamic manner, guiding the patient closer to Allah.

So you don’t want to be forced to choose either marriage or studies? Is there a way you can do both? In the Arab world especially, people often make the official marriage contract but don’t move in together right away. The marriage is not consummated, but they may legally spend time alone together. In this way, both the man and woman may pursue their studies while married. This system holds many advantages and is gaining popularity among Muslims in non-Muslim countries, too. In this way, a couple may get to know each other better prior to living together. They may save for married life, and no matter what their pursuits, they are safe in the knowledge of being married.

Our every action is based on intention. If we are studying for the benefit of mankind, for the cause of our Muslim Ummah, then our studies will be a source of reward for us. Let us use this precious education wisely.

There are some scholars who say that a girl’s schooling should stop once she possesses the basic skills of reading and writing. I cannot but disagree with this. We are all aware of the famous saying “If you educate a man, you educate an individual. But if you educate a woman, you educate a nation.” How then will it be possible for a woman who possesses only basic literacy skills to teach her children? What knowledge will she impart to them? If the love for learning has not been instilled in her, how will she instill it in her children?

`A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) was one of the greatest scholars of Islamic history. She memorized over two thousand Hadith, and the Companions sought knowledge at her feet. The important point is that no matter what a woman studies, as long as her intention is to use it for the benefit of Islam, it will be a source of reward for her.

Let us not deny women a basic right, but let women not abuse this right either. Let women not have to choose between two basic needs. Let them be allowed to live harmoniously with fulfilling both.

The Importance of good companionship

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Choosing and having good companions is extremely important for many reasons and from many aspects.

1. Mankind cannot live alone; every individual must live and interact with others, and when interacting with others one either influences or is himself influenced.

2. Those people whom you sit with and make your friends are inevitably going to fall into one of two categories. They will either be good individuals - who guide and encourage you towards what is good and help you to accomplish that which Allaah has ordered, or they are going to be bad - encouraging you to do what is pleasing to Satan, that which misleads you, and leads you to the Hell-Fire.

3. When the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, was sent with the mission to establish Islam, he did not do it on his own. Rather, Allaah chose for him companions who accompanied him and who carried the Message until it was complete.

These three aspects show the importance of having good companions, companions who are righteous. Such a companion will help you to do what is good and remind you of Allaah, he will enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil. These aspects also show the importance of avoiding befriending bad companions, because such a companion will have a bad effect upon you, they help you to do those deeds which are displeasing to Allaah and which lead to the Hell-Fire.

The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, gave a good similitude regarding this. He, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, explained the matter of good companionship, so that no room is left for doubt or confusion, when he, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “A person is upon the religion of his close friend, so beware whom you befriend.” [Abu Daawood and At-Tirmithi]

This means that a person will be upon the same methodology as his friend, the same path as his friend, the same nature, manner and behavior as his friend. So we must be careful whom we befriend. There is an Arabic saying: ‘Your companion is what pulls you to something.’ So if your companion is good, he will pull you towards that which is good. He will order us with what is good and forbid us from what is evil. If he observes us committing sins he would warn us, if he becomes aware of our shortcomings he would advise us, and if he finds a fault in us he would cover it and not disclose it to others. About this, the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “…Whoever conceals (the fault of) a Muslim, Allaah will conceal his fault on the day of Judgment.” [Abu Daawood]

So should you see a fault in your brother, you should wish to remove that fault from him and not expose it to the people. This is what is required by brotherhood and again stresses the importance of choosing friends who are upon the correct way, who are loyal, and who hide your faults whilst ordering you with good and forbidding you from evil, who stand beside you and support you, and co-operate with you upon all that is good.

This principle is important from the standpoint of how the religion is to be established, and from the standpoint of what brotherhood is and what it does. Indeed, the reason that one takes a companion is to help him establish Islam, and to help him worship Allaah. We find a good example in the Prophet Moosaa, may Allaah exalt his mention, the one whom Allaah chose and spoke to. When Allaah sent him to Pharaoh, he (Moosaa), may Allaah exalt his mention, said as Allaah informs us saying (what means): “And appoint for me a helper from my family, Haaroon - my brother; increase my strength with him, and let him share my task (of conveying Allaah’s Message and Prophethood), that we may glorify You much and remember You much.” [Quran; 20: 29-34]

Moosaa, may Allaah exalt his mention, wanted his brother to support him and help him, protect him and accompany him. This is exactly what the believers do for one another. For the thing that binds the believers together and makes them brothers is the bond of faith. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “There are three characteristics; whoever has them will taste the sweetness of faith: That Allaah and His Messenger are more beloved to him than all else, that he loves a person and does not love him except for the sake of Allaah, and that he would hate to revert to unbelief just as he would hate to be thrown into the Fire.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

Thus the connection between the believers is based upon faith and sincere brotherhood. Beware against taking any companion if such companionship is based upon other than this, for if you were to do that you would then bite your hands in grief. Just as the unjust ones will bite their hands in grief. Allaah Says (what means): “And (remember) the Day when the wrong-doer (oppressor, polytheist etc.) will bite at his hand, he will say: ‘Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (the Quran) after it had come to me….’” [Quran; 25:27]

And Allaah Says (what means): “And whosoever turns away from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allaah), We appoint for him Satan to be a Qareen (intimate companion) to him.” [Quran; 43:36]

So all of the physical togetherness that you see around you, which is based upon other than faith will be wiped away on that Day, and it will be a source of misery and torture for them. Allaah Says (what means): “Friends on that Day will be foes one to another except the pious.” [Quran; 43:67]

Knowledge Blooms Where Seeds of Iman are Planted

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By Sumbal Akhter

When one thinks of blooming, we think of a bud blossoming into a beautiful, vibrant flower. But blooming can also include the blossoming of the mind, body and soul. The phrase “Knowledge Blooms Where Seeds of Iman are planted” can split into a myriad of different meanings for a myriad of different people. The word Iman translates into the manifesting humility or submission, and the accepting of the Divine Law and the firm believing there of within the heart. Iman immerses the concepts of faith, trust, confidence, acknowledgment and utmost submission.

Once Iman is accepted fully and deeply in the heart, a miraculous change can encounter a person. An enlightenment of knowledge can strike a person with such force, beauty and power. Knowledge can adapt to many different environments, but is far better-suited in the rich climates of the noble believer. Not only does faith appease the soul but it increases the curiosity, thus expanding the horizons of the mind. Just like the Qur’anic text “I have faith in Allah and His Angels, His Books and His Messengers, and the Day of Judgment and that all good and evil and fate is from Almighty Allah and it is sure that there will be resurrection after death.” Curiosity transitions into a brilliant learning process where one can discover the workings of the world by their own accord. The phrase “Knowledge Blooms Where Seeds of Iman are planted” is an inspiration and call-to-action for people all around the world. It encourages one to not be afraid of gaining information and asking questions; it is a beautiful learning process.

In conclusion, religion raises a series of topics, concerns and questions; all binding together to increase the knowledge one has of their surroundings, the world and their own existence. Knowledge not only blooms where seeds of Iman are planted; it flourishes.

Children Training Parents: A New Form of Dialogue

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Nesima Aberra

Muslim Voice

“A Teenager’s Guide to Raising Good Muslim Parents in America” hosted by Azra Hussein, advisor for MYAA, Muslim Youth Association of Arizona, was held at Islamic Center of the North East Valley on May 8.

Hussein said she likes to “think outside of the box for the youth and come up with zany ideas” to engage Muslim youth and make Islam fun.

“I enjoyed being Muslim my whole life,” she said, which is why she feels it’s so important for youth to care about their religion, their families and the community. MYAA’s mission is “to provide, for Muslim youth of the Valley, spiritual enrichment, a forum in which to meet, socialize, and interact with one another in an Islamic environment, as well as perform community service.” The current MYAA youth board members are Danya Kaakani, Hydar Hussaini, Rebia Khan and Umar Alzein.

The group’s monthly discussions often involve potluck dinners at different people’s houses or masjids with 12-17 youth and their parents. Many discussions have been not just religious, but academic and social such as about scholarships and resume writing. Attendants are asked to bring canned food to the free events to donate to the Cultural Cup Food Bank as part of the group’s volunteering service.

This event had a pancake breakfast before hand, but it didn’t have a huge turnout for the discussion due to the weekend being around AP and finals testing time for Valley students. Instead, Hussein spoke on the topic of teens raising parents using her own experiences with her family and how to properly approach the idea.

“My children have been training me their whole lives, whether I like it or not,” she said.

She mentioned how one of her sons as a child would test her about the names of various Power Rangers and Optimus Prime characters, bringing her into his life and his interests. Her son made sure she was part of the conversation, so she made an effort to listen.

Hussein also talked about her 27-year-old daughter in Philadelphia who she talks to every day, but their conversations aren’t dominated by typical motherly worries or generic questions. Instead, Hussein talks to her daughter about her friends, hobbies, TV shows and classes. She does this because that’s what her daughter wants to talk about. What’s of interest to the child should be of interest to the mother.

So if teens want to raise a good parent that’s involved, Hussein said her big rule is “Do ask, do tell.” Many teenagers refuse to talk to their parents out of fear or frustration, but Hussein says this is wrong. Nothing should be off limits and teens should feel comfortable asking their parents about anything and everything.

“If they [parents] shy away, bring it up again. And then bring it up again,” she said.

Teens can’t complain their parents don’t understand them if they don’t make an effort to talk to their parents and train them to listen and pay attention. Hussein said that parents are growing along with their children, so they are still learning and picking up information. With their busy lives, parents may not notice small behavioral changes or moodiness in their teens and unknowingly allow the problem to grow worse—especially if the teen don’t speak up and simply expect their parent to know what’s going on.

“Parents are so busy providing for and protecting their kids to notice when a kid winces. The kid needs to step up and confront his mother,” Hussein said. “Somewhere in her busy life, the mother will notice. Moms and dads will do everything to help their kids.”

Teens have to keep sharing their feelings with their parents, she told the group, because “you were doing it before you were 10. Why did you stop now?”

Both parents and teens need to be open and choose to have each other in their lives. She used the analogy of a patient who goes to the doctor, doesn’t explain all their problems and expects the doctor to figure out what the patient needs.

An important thing to note is that Hussein is not advocating being rude to parents, because the Quran teaches politeness and respect to parents. In order for this form of dialogue to work, it is most important for children to be patient when training their parents.

“Kids don’t know everything,” Hussein said. “The only thing kids know is what they like and dislike.”

Hussein said she would consider having the discussion topic of teens raising good Muslim parents again if there was demand, but she usually doesn’t repeat events because of lack of time. However, if other groups or individuals are interested, they can contact MYAA to host an event of this kind. For more information, visit http://azmuslimyouth.org